Book of “Failures” (2.1) - bigger (2019-2021)

Continuation of Section II:

Breakdown of Decision Making Criteria on Two Important Life Decisions

1. Choosing to Pursue Bella
• I took 2 years to myself to find out who I truly was, what I truly want, and to reinvent myself (fresh-soph year). So, I am beyond happy for that decision and for the patience focus and courage it took to do that
• In terms of choosing to pursue Bella and be dating her now, I took a couple weeks to put a substantial claim together and to put my heart in the right place. I thought to myself "If Bella was the only woman on Earth and no one wanted her would I still want her too?" It helped put my emotions and ego aside and let my heart guide the way. Because I knew I was attracted to her from Day 1. Intelligence, beauty, witty, responsible, independent, strong, and more
• My decision truly came down to being somewhat logical and following my intuition. Along with the criteria of the circumstances, her failures, flaws, successes, family, friends etc., it all added up for me. Greatest "yes" I ever made in my life (so far).
2. Choosing my Co-op Job
• This one was tough. I knew the job I wanted but so many factors played a role in this one: timing, pay, experience given, mentors, work environment, location, flexibility to work on side projects and my biz. I had a shot at Exelon when Maruf got me an interview but they ended up not going with me. God helped me out on this one a lot because I ranked the Drexel job first and MicroSociety 2nd and PECO Revenue Mgmt. 3rd (I hated the corporate culture. So good job with that Ant. Even though they payed like $20k salary) (time > money). I ended up getting the Drexel job and I still have the opportunity for Dream BIG and Co to work with MicroSociety. I already went with Micro to JCGCS and they want to send Maruf and me to Canada to produce a video campaign for the Aspen Heights school.
• It all worked out and fell into place. Let's keep taking small steps and continue to have a good perspective

[5/1/19] Bella opened up to me after my yoga class and told me how she is feeling and where she is at mentally. I totally envisioned and saw this coming too. Thanks to the fear-setting chart I was able to take this in stride and with little emotion (because having emotion sometimes is needed. For example, crying in her arms or telling her I'll be here if she needs me and she knows that).

Bella told me that she needs to take time for herself and she feels as though she wasn't able to do so for a long time. So, it is much needed time she is going to spend with herself. She was transparent with me and I was asking questions to understand her. But all in all, this is God's work, Bella is going to be happy through all of this and strive to get in the place she definitely needs, I am being tested, my level of love and detachment was tested, and life is showing me it's beauty and overall control of everything that happens. "Love is letting go."

• If it is meant to be, it is meant to be.
• I love this woman, but I have accepted the facts of it and I am only going to control what I can
• I am also happy for Bella to be able to go at this process logically and approach it in a good manner. I am happy for her and the things that will be learned because of it.
• Life man.
• To note one lesson from observation and reflection: I could have eased into this deeper part of the relationship better and been more focused on my time. I could have also not accepted the lack of discipline I had for taking time to myself. I gave into her say and the guilt I had came over me when we wouldn't see each other. This is something different from most relationships but much needed to take my time and self more seriously than anything and anyone else.
• [5/10/19] Another lesson is learning that of patience and empathy. Empathy to understand what Bella is going through and to give her space. Patience for myself to detach and let go for the time being. It’s hard but it’s only the short-term emotion and “pain”. Things will be better and get better. Live and learn.

[insight on 3/23/20] In every downfall, you can find a reason to blame yourself. There will always be a problem to diagnose in a relationship. That's the beautiful thing about relationships - there is always something to uncover and improve upon. However, if you take it the wrong the way and use it as a weapon against yourself, that isn't healthy. I did a little bit of negative weaponizing against myself with my post-relationship with Bella. Yes, I noted the things I did wrong…..but I think I harped on them too much.

• At the end of the day, it just wasn't good timing for the both of us and we weren't ready to commit. End of story.

Details of my Experience and Realization That Came Along With That Moment - 11/24/19

• The experience I had today, on Sunday 11/24/19, is one in which a compilation of prior experience came together to configure a further realization. God moved the chess pieces into place in order to checkmate my ego and tell me what I needed to hear.

To give some context to the realization of today, I will tell you about this entire weekend. On Friday evening, I got the car from Enterprise that I rented and Daniel, Pedram, and I left for Hershey, PA. We went to Hershey because we were staying in a hotel overnight for the conference we were attending the next day. The conference was a media industries conference called The Future is Now that was run by Vale Music Group and my great friend Kylie Fernands. Kylie invited me to come speak on a panel at the conference and she asked if I had any friends in mind to join me on the panel. God immediately told me to invite Daniel.

I'm glad I did because we needed the drive to Hershey, the conference all day Saturday, and the drive back to Philly on Saturday night, to talk about many things. I also needed Daniel to be there for me since I was experiencing a wave of emotions from the opportunities I was getting.

It was in the Popeye's parking lot, where we made a pitstop to get dinner, around 8:30 pm, that a HUGE chunk of this context can be understood. I can't go into massive detail about the dream Daniel had, and the one that is our map to the things we will experience in the future, but here it goes……and then I'll get back to the parking lot. Daniel had a dream from God, and I'm explaining this in brevity, where many of the people we knew were locked in cages and Daniel and I were glowing with light because we took the alternative path. It was when a lady gave me a script, and then Daniel his own, that we couldn't understand each other and we went our separate ways. And for the most part, that is the story. Like I said, THERE IS MUCH MORE TO IT, but I don't want to get into detail. It will stray away from the point of this entry.

And it makes sense that Daniel had that dream because….. NOW GOING BACK TO THE PRESENT MOMENT in the Popeye's parking lot on Friday evening (11/22/19)…….. we were both being given our "metaphorical" scripts in our lives. Daniel met Charlie Heat and his team, he has 4/20 live, he is going to move to LA and most likely drop out of school - and me - I got an opportunity to be with Riley and Anthony of Soar, work a job like NFL Films, and possibly drop out of school to do so. We were both given our "metaphorical" scripts. And one thing I forgot to mention in the dream was that when I got my script I looked at Daniel confused (he said I had glasses on and looked skinny). He was unsure why I looked at him at that moment because we both couldn't understand each other. We had different scripts. After that moment in the dream, I detached and found my own way by walking by myself. And I bring that up because it was in the car that I was unsure and looking to Daniel because I was unsure. He was trying to show me how big of an opportunity it is that I have in front of me. I couldn't see it at the time.

I then went on to be transparent and admit that I was scared, fearful, and insecure about what this leap and risk will bring with it. It is scary to do something you've never done before. It is scary to drop out without any guarantee what will come. It is crazy how fast this was all happening….and still is (which God told Daniel would happen). We are in foreign waters for the first time and we are doing our best to navigate our way forward.

Something funny happened too, where we were talking in the car, and Riley called me. There was no coincidence there. I had anticipated to talk to him Friday night. It's just weirdly funny, but such right timing, that he called when I was going through that moment with Daniel in the car. And the talk with Riley doesn't matter FOR THIS CONTEXT, so I want to move on.

So, while many things were being realized by myself and Daniel and things were aligning, the day came, in which Daniel, Pedram, and me were to go to the conference 20 minutes away at Lebanon valley College.

Fast forward to the conference, and Daniel and I had a great time. Pedram enjoyed it too. Daniel and I spoke well on the panel and we met some important people at the conference. Kylie did a great job running the event with her team and planning it prior to this weekend. It showed.

Now, things were going well. Fast forward even more so and we were driving home to Philly from Annville PA.

One more time, let's fast forward to today (11/24/19). This morning I was to drop off the car rental at Enterprise. I was going to do it at 8 am, but a certain leg of Philly marathon was happening on 35th St - exactly where I parked my car (in front of Daniel's place to be more specific). So, I decided not to move it (the cops said I had no shot to do so anyway since the race was going on). From there, I took the opportunity to cheer on the runners while walking home and spend the next two hours at home in solitude with my morning ritual.

Fast forward to 10 am. I go back to the car and the race is cleared out. I set the intention to drive to the gas station before dropping off the car at Enterprise, however due to the Marathon event in front of the Philadelphia Museum, I had to take a detour……so I went on the highway.

And it was on the highway where everything hit me.

I don't know if it was the driving, Kanye's album Jesus Is King being played in the car, or something else…….BUT I just started balling my eyes out. I did just that, with much screaming, until I got to the gas station.

The reason I cried so much was because of all this pressure and the obstacles I will be encountering during this time. I was also thinking about how much time it's going to take and how much effort that has to be put out. But to be honest, that didn't really matter much because I'm a work horse. I can do anything. I think it was more so a stress o my financial situation and that I am running low on cash. I am independent now so it is different….and by different I mean harder.

So due to all of that I felt the need to call Daniel but I didn't because I wanted to face that moment alone and be with myself and God. It wasn't until after getting gas and going to Enterprise, that I called Daniel. He texted me saying, "I had a feeling too. I was going to call you."

When we talked on the phone, WE TALKED A LOT. WELL I DID IN THE BEGINNING. I gave him context to prior struggles and obstacles in my life, what was going through my mind, and my cried in the car for 20 minutes.

The following is what he told me and what I realized because of that. Before I state everything I also, meditated and am now reflecting on everything. It's the main formula to growth. It is what I am doing right now: Pain + Reflection = Progress. So, here it is……Through Daniel's insight and God's wisdom and my reflection I realized that:

1. I overthink too much (also did this on 12/29 and 8/30)
• At times I do too much or assert myself in conversation, where I don't really need to give input. I need to let the flower grow instead of analyzing, watching, and studying it. Just as my S & W chart explains, I need to smell the roses more and not overthink.
• Through deeper reflection, it is more so trusting others. I need to let others do there thing and sometimes the best thing is doing nothing. I need to take my own advice and apply it IN FULL.
2. On top of that, Daniel helped me realize that I need to cultivate a better relationship with God in order to find my answer through him and done great work with God by my side.
• I have all the answers inside of me, I just need to make it known to myself by spending time with God and having deep, meaningful conversations with Him. Only then, can I flow through life and live out my purpose. Only then can I take the burden off of myself and trust God. Only then can I listen properly and implement His teachings in the right way
3. Lastly, I need to do what works best for me. I didn't say "I have to find what works best for me" because I already know. I just need to do. I need to and want to talk to God to understand it and solidify it even more so
• Let me explain further: Because I was lost, I was comparing myself to Daniel. I would internally say, "Why can't I have insight like he does?", "Why can't I do what he does?", "Why can't I be close to God like he is?"
• Yet, little did I take my own advice that I always say.
• Everyone is different. Everyone has a thing that works best for them. Everyone has a unique purpose. Everyone has a different way of talking to God and being revealed the things that are necessary to move forward with Him.
• Humans are great man. But judgement and comparison is one of our biggest faults. Just as Daniel realized from God, "As a worm moves steadily in making a hole, a turtle moves towards the sea, or a lion chases its prey, they all live out their purpose. Where as humans, we aren't so good at that. We get lost in others ways and opinions sometimes. We focus on advice from others instead of looking inward and being with God. We build good relationships with women and neglect our most important relationship: our relationship with God.
• More introspection, less external……..everything
• SO, WHILE DANIEL MIGHT TALK TO GOD THROUGH PRAYER, MEDITATION, AND DREAMS. I TALK TO GOD THROUGH NATURE, MOVEMENT - EXERCISE/YOGA, AND MEDITATION
4. DURING THIS TIME, have persistence and patience and trust in God.